Nicholas R Cordrey Foundation

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  • All You Need is a Sign

    When Nick was 3, he absolutely loved the Beatles. Yes, those Beatles.

    He played his Beatles Greatest Hits CDs over and over and over. Often times to the point where his then 5 year old brother would practically beg to listen to anything else.

    Well, back in the fall of 2022, the Beatles kept popping up in my life randomly. Some would call these types of moments “Godwinks,” while others recognize these moments of divine origin as simple coincidences. I know many say the signs are from their own loved ones in heaven, and then medical professionals seem to attribute these types of experiences to apophenia which is the mind’s tendency to perceive a connection in random things or objects. I will leave it up to you to interpret for yourselves. For me, I often just simply acknowledge the moment, and say:

    Hi Nick.

    Many say Nick was an old soul from an early age, thus his love love for the Beatles. As a teenager, despite his love for name brands, if you knew him, you knew that kid was hyper focused on making a difference as well as meaningful connections and building his knowledge base. He was deeply empathetic. Nick was fairly in tune with his own emotions and feelings from an early age, so his compassion for others was not surprising to us and neither was Nick’s love for the Beatles at 3.

    Nick’s musical preferences were not pushed upon him by his dad or me. He heard a song at preschool, and thereafter he asked for more of “them guys,” the “yellow sub,” and “love.” We obliged. Say what you will about the Beatles, I know they are not for everyone, but Nick loved them for a bit. And who doesn’t love to hear a 3 year old singing:

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    Love is all you need.

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    The 1967 song is timeless. All these years later, love remains everything. Hi Nick.

  • Through the Dark

    At 93 days from the day the brain aneurysm stole Nick from us, we barely recognized ourselves. Life was a mere series of distractions designed to keep away the pain that intensified when there was quiet. Yet, we also had little energy to keep moving. It was a catch-22. No escape. It still is in 2023, if I am honest. Until Nick’s death, our awareness of tragedy was limited to stories from others.

    Back in September of 2020, life without Nick was new and so difficult. It’s still the same now. And, much like now, I had been spending time in his room, running my fingers over his prized possessions, hoping to find him. One afternoon, I found a little notebook on the underside of his bed and, inside, a poem. Although the exact timing isn’t clear, it appears Nick likely wrote the poem around the time he was going on that incredible trip to D.C. His first big (and only) trip without us, where he happily ventured into the world with friends (and teachers).

    Nick wrote:

    You never thought this day would come
    When had to say goodbye
    You always want them
    Right there by your side
    They’ll always have a place in your heart
    And they’ll guide you through the dark
    Because Mom I love you
    No matter if we’re apart.

    -NICK CORDREY

    Whatever the reason, it’s incredible. It broke me. It breaks me today. I simultaneously feel a fraction of joy and immense sadness each time I read it. I cry every single time.

    The poem applies right now more than ever, but it wasn’t about death. Yet, it fits within these circumstances. He’s the “you” here; “them” is us, his family. Context indicates it was the D.C. trip, but he and I had often talked about college too, and his desire to study abroad, so I suppose it could have been related to that as well. Nonetheless, how amazing is Nick? I don’t think I found the poem by accident that day, but I also don’t think he intended on us reading it in 2020. And he definitely didn’t plan on me sharing it with the internet…but I believe he wouldn’t mind.

    This poem shows who Nick was in this world. He was a deep thinker, a caring and kind, and yes, old soul. To say that we miss him is the greatest understatement of all time. We will never accept this tragedy. We recognize its unfairness and, in bold disobedience, we choose to go on living.

    I hope we keep finding little bits of Nick when needed, we we try to survive in the dark. Because we love him, no matter if we’re apart. That’s why it hurts so much.

    (c) original by Nicholas R. Cordrey

  • Meeting Jesus in Panera

    Once upon a time in early 2014, the Cordreys went to lunch after church. It wasn’t that unusual for our family to enjoy a meal at nearby restaurant on a Sunday afternoon after being in God’s house. It was, however, unusual to find his Son at a local eatery. Or was it?

    Nick would have been 9 years old. As I recall, he chose Panera. As a novice bread connoisseur, Panera was one of his favorite places. [Insert mouthwatering description of a crisp on the outside, fluffy on the inside, deliciously warm bread bowl.]

    As the four of us went inside, Nick decided to hold the door for the family of three coming in behind us. I heard the father figure say, “thank you, young man”. We ordered, as did this other family. Nick and the older gentleman ended up at the drink station at the same time, where Nick and he both chose water. Nick offered the gentleman a lid and a straw to go along with his ice cold beverage. Again, I hear the man thanking Nick. Soon thereafter, both families went their separate ways to each lunch, sitting on either side of Panera’s fireplace on the cold March afternoon.

    Thirty or so minutes later, the other family finished eating, and as they walked to the door, the gentleman stopped at our table to address us. He cheerfully told us that it was refreshing to see such a positive and polite young man in “this day and age”. We thanked him. He looked at Nick, saying, “keep doing what you’re doing!” Then he again thanked Nick for his kindness.

    Once the family was outside, I asked Nick about why he went out of his way to help the gentleman. He said, “I was just using my manners. And his name tag said, ‘Jesus Christ’. It’s the least I could do for him, mom”. Nick was right about the tag – it said Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But he wasn’t entirely accurate about the impact of his actions – it wasn’t the least Nick could do, to the gentleman, it was just the thing to do. As usual, I learned something from Nick that day we met Jesus in Panera.

    Regardless of your religious beliefs, think of someone you admire or respect, and how you might treat them if you ran into them unexpectedly while at lunch. What about a person you happily, but erroneously, believed was someone else? How would you behave? Would you hold the door? Hand her/him/them a straw, napkin, maybe even let her/him/them ahead of you in line? What about a stranger? How would you treat a stranger? How do you treat a stranger? How do any of us treat one another on any given day? Now just imagine if we treated each other with such great care rather than only those we hold in high esteem. It’s what I try to do, but it’s hard.

    I hope you run into your Jesus and follow Nick’s lead, as much as Covid restrictions and social distancing will allow, and do the least you can do.

  • Life’s Purpose

    We all ask the same question, but at different times in our lives: “Why am I here?” Unfortunately, not all of us are able to answer the question…yet.  And most of us that answer today will readily admit that we took the roundabout way to get there [insert random story from your youth]. Some of us may even admit, we got it wrong the first time or two or even right now…but we keep working on it.

    Did you know that Nick (sort of ) knew his purpose? He was here to change the world, he just wasn’t certain how yet. It wasn’t the oft-quoted, albeit incorrect, “be the change you want to see in the world” cliché type of purpose. Nick’s was more of work on himself to change the world type of guy. He had ideas about his future, and he was laying the ground work at 15. As I said, he wasn’t finished, but he was putting in the work. He had plans.

    Side note: rather than the aforementioned misquote (which by itself is a wonderful message to encourage people to make a difference), Mahatma Gandhi actually said, “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”

    In other words, in order to make effective change in this world, we must change ourselves first, we must change our perspectives. We must gently nudge the world to mirror us. I’d like to think Nick did just that in his short time.

    Without any doubt, I thought I knew Nick’s purpose. I thought I could answer his “why” question. I was certain that we were raising a United States President, a diplomat, or a congressman, but I was incorrect. Nick is gone. It was sudden, without warning. As much as we, as parents, want to keep our children with us, we also want them to live full lives, experience the world, find love, enjoy successes, spread their wings, learn from mistakes, and discover their purpose. We don’t get that with Nick.

    Nick is never going to grow up. He will always be 15. He’s never going to change the world like we thought he was going to, like he may have thought he was going to do. But we know he has made an impact and changed the world of at least five people, and also their families and friends. He’s influenced others (as evidenced by his friends and classmates becoming organ donors as they earn their drivers licenses), but he’s never going to be the President, a congressman, a diplomat. Was our son successful? Absolutely. It’s just now how we envisioned it. Is a small part of the world mirroring Nick? You bet. I just wish he were here to see it.

  • DJABBIC

    Slowly, I am cleaning Nick’s room. It’s a process (one that I imagine will last for quite some time).

    While going through his bookshelf, I found several notebooks. One in particular that is dated 2015 and it has a Fleur de Lis cover designed by Nick in 5th grade. He was probably 10 years old when this wrote in this notebook. On one of the many pages, filled with doodles, as well as maps and plans for the neighborhood summer Olympics, I found “DJABBIC” written a few times followed by a couple of lines that read:

    “You see a man & u want to judge; To see who he is or what he does.”

    Don’t judge a book by its cover, followed by words of wisdom from a child.

    My hope is that this writing was not the result of something Nick was experiencing at the time. I hope he wasn’t feeling judged at 10. Instead, I hope this was an observation, a comment, a statement on life.

    Nick lived his life in a rather non-judgmental way. Even at an early age, he tried to get to know a person; and, as reaffirmed recently by friends, Nick was just as kind to those that were not kind to him as he was to his friends.

    We talked often about how you never knew what someone was going through, so be kind. Always. We talked about how some people could hide their emotions, while others could not, and both could result in negative behavior. It was imperative that we be kind to one another in a world that teaches us to be anything but kind.

    I’d like to tell you that Nick’s outlook on life was the direct result of his upbringing, but I don’t know if that’s accurate. Maybe it was a combination of parental influence and Nick’s innate ability to love others. Finding the notebook, and this particular entry, was a great reminder to me, especially in this new era of daily emotional turmoil. I plan to remember DJABBIC, and I hope others do the same as we mourn our son.

    Written by Nick’s mom in August 2020.