At 93 days from the day the brain aneurysm stole Nick from us, we barely recognized ourselves. Life was a mere series of distractions designed to keep away the pain that intensified when there was quiet. Yet, we also had little energy to keep moving. It was a catch-22. No escape. It still is in 2023, if I am honest. Until Nick’s death, our awareness of tragedy was limited to stories from others.
Back in September of 2020, life without Nick was new and so difficult. It’s still the same now. And, much like now, I had been spending time in his room, running my fingers over his prized possessions, hoping to find him. One afternoon, I found a little notebook on the underside of his bed and, inside, a poem. Although the exact timing isn’t clear, it appears Nick likely wrote the poem around the time he was going on that incredible trip to D.C. His first big (and only) trip without us, where he happily ventured into the world with friends (and teachers).
Nick wrote:
You never thought this day would come
When had to say goodbye
You always want them
Right there by your side
They’ll always have a place in your heart
And they’ll guide you through the dark
Because Mom I love you
No matter if we’re apart.
-NICK CORDREY
Whatever the reason, it’s incredible. It broke me. It breaks me today. I simultaneously feel a fraction of joy and immense sadness each time I read it. I cry every single time.
The poem applies right now more than ever, but it wasn’t about death. Yet, it fits within these circumstances. He’s the “you” here; “them” is us, his family. Context indicates it was the D.C. trip, but he and I had often talked about college too, and his desire to study abroad, so I suppose it could have been related to that as well. Nonetheless, how amazing is Nick? I don’t think I found the poem by accident that day, but I also don’t think he intended on us reading it in 2020. And he definitely didn’t plan on me sharing it with the internet…but I believe he wouldn’t mind.
This poem shows who Nick was in this world. He was a deep thinker, a caring and kind, and yes, old soul. To say that we miss him is the greatest understatement of all time. We will never accept this tragedy. We recognize its unfairness and, in bold disobedience, we choose to go on living.
I hope we keep finding little bits of Nick when needed, we we try to survive in the dark. Because we love him, no matter if we’re apart. That’s why it hurts so much.
